enjoy your steaks – by noah champoux


jan 26 2011

What’s a hermit to do when he wants some coffee? There are simple options for those that don’t have taste but do have a lot of money to waste. That’s where Starbucks has the market cornered. Unfortunately, my tongue isn’t just a whore for any drink, and my pocket is far too empty. Honestly, the one good thing about such a chain is that most people tend to leave people alone. One might say that’s a bad factor, but I don’t particularly like people.

Leaving behind a full-ride scholarship and a full-time job for exciting opportunities back in my home state of Florida, I came to realize just the state of the economy. It has been two years without a steady source of livable income. It could either be that or the fact that I have incredible metabolic powers that makes me weigh so little.

Soon after migrating (It is said that the T-Hawk flies south when a new year rolls around.), I followed the scent of tater tots and waffles from 1111 Washington Avenue to Stardust Video and Coffee. I quickly claimed the seat next to the trash can, knowing I could run out quickly with it for a home, if my aunt decided to disown me. Doug Rhodehamel raised a switchblade to me when he saw me trying to carry the garbage out for the beautiful baristas, exclaiming that it was his job. We decided on hand-to-hand combat on the roof.

Tickets were sold, and Stardust made enough money to afford a headless deer which it strategically placed at the battle scene. On that destined night, Mecha-Rhodehamel woke up from its 1300-year slumber and rose to create at least 37 minutes of chaos in its reign. Though, I wasn’t going to give up. It had long rusted, and I had a bottle of Champoux Conditioner. It looked far too sad for me to leave immobile, so I squirted it right in its gears. It moved again! From that week on, we called each Wednesday the Audubon Park Community Market and sold locally-made food, arts, and crafts.

Doug and I couldn’t stay enemies. Instead, we sat at the counter and watched IFC. He admitted he was wrong about me, and we signed an agreement that I could take the trash out on days I decided to come while he would claim nights. This worked out well until Doug ordered me a plate of tater tots. What I thought was a gesture of kindness was a malicious prank! I blocked out the rest of the night, but fortunately he got a video of it. He hasn’t released it to the public yet, so it must be gruesome. All he has said on the matter is, “Soon.”

Thirsty for world domination, I decided to start slow. I met my best friend and mayor of Audubon Park, Kat, and we coordinated many events to spread our reach. We even let the dead walk the street. (What Zombie Emergency Defense doesn’t know is that we always hide a few and force them to believe they’re starting an army against the humans.) She says another onslaught will come in October.

This didn’t leave me content. When I was ready to give up hope for happiness, a head appeared through the ceiling and said, “Noah.” I looked up. Brett crawled along the ceiling, hoping he could get the part for the new Spider Man reboot, and asked me to be the parking fairy for the market. Fortunately, after having my bike hit and being beat up and left behind in the bath tub in the back, he let me take off the pink jumpsuit.

In consolation, Doug has asked me to write a blog about Stardust’s happenings. So, here I am.

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